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 Just for kicks!

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Posts : 9
Join date : 2009-09-16
Age : 40
Location : Columbus, OH

Just for kicks! Empty
PostSubject: Just for kicks!   Just for kicks! Icon_minitimeFri Sep 18, 2009 2:57 pm

I wrote this when I was about 21 for the orginal guitar hero forum...still kinda funny lol! This is the original post....

"Squeaker" - Begins with a very high pitch that may or may not have a sharp increase in tonality as the emission comes to a conclusion. Usually produced by females.

"Latino Heat" - Commonly confused with the smell of hot garbage. Caused from a deep love of crunchy taco's and all foods Mexican.

"SBD" - (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. Rumors circulating the internet say a man in West Virginia remained conscious during this type of fart and gave an exclusive interview to his hometown newspaper but this is purely speculation. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal.)

"Slip n Slide" - Type of wet fart usually caused from some sort of stomach virus causes stains in underwear and lubricates ass cheeks causing them to rub together hence the name. IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP - Should be avoided at all costs! May cause chaffing. Depending on acidity and hair density removal of skin from inner ass cheek has been documented and in severe cases victims were left walking funny and complaining of burning pain with irritation.

"Wrath of Zeus" - VERY RARE! Also known as a "WAD" (weapon of ass destruction) Extremely dangerous. A thunderous blast emanating from the anal cavity causes heart attacks in the elderly and has made young children cry even epileptics have been thrown into seizures from this earth shaking display of flatulence. The warning signs of this fart include: lower back pain, a bubbling sensation in a person midsection, fever, dry mouth, lack of concentration, anxiety, and a general sense that something is horribly wrong within the body. The name "Wrath of Zeus" can be traced back to the major motion picture "Caddy Shack" there is a scene in this film where a clergymen has the best game of golf he has ever played in his life but a thunderstorm kicks up and the man gets struck by lightning. On the day of filming this scene all the crew members were on the green waiting for the storm to come so they can get the shot when suddenly every member of the crew was knocked out when everyone woke up they thought they had been struck by lightning but weather reports and Richter scale measurements later indicated it was just a fart.

"GNL" - (Gambled 'n' Lost) This is the type of fart that should not be fooled with and happens when a person can feel a bowel movement is quickly approaching but thinks they can buy some time............and then tragically realizes it is much more than a fart.

"Not Now Please" - You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

"Who Me?" - You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

"Rump-smacker Deluxe" - This was a very common type of fart when tight jeans were popular among men but is now usually only felt by women and cowboys. A powerful blast of gas leaves the body with incredible force but has no where to go causing small gas pockets to form on the inner cheek that will rupture many times over the following seconds.............now great forces are at work here. The tightnicity of the jeans and the PSI building within the walls of the buttocks cause a VERY painful smacking sound which is the rupture of those small pockets of gas. An extremely loud and embarrassing fart not only because of the gas emulsion it self but also the loud scream of it's victim causing unwanted stares from strangers. The most painful of all farts due to the incredible pressure that is released and the longevity of said releases.

Author's note: I wrote this to bust the chops of all the guys doing the "fans of this band" polls it was intended to be a short and stupid deal but it was so friggin funny I couldn't stop. Hope you enjoy! Not all material is original but the majority is. And I did "tightnicity" on purpose I know it's not a word.
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